Freudian slips

The most recent of my present stupidities. I was attempting to make small talk with a friend through SMS, a means of communication i had revived after many a long abstinence simply because i perceived i had gotten too cool for the same.

Anyway the small talk was going brilliantly and i prided myself on my awesome social skills. Just then my current and improved version cellphone decided to play a cruel trick.

The statement i indented to write was as follows: "I could not get an internship at such short notice"

The statement T9 decided to make of it was: "I could not get an internship at vagina notice"

How "such short" became "vagina", i will never know.

In other news, my father miraculously develops a fake accent around German Clients. So you see, idiosyncrasy runs in the family!

suresh vs. suresh

Topic of the current week seemed to be how I'm so ahead of my generation(for obvious reasons which will not be elaborated for fear of being reported abuse). Whilst i was basking in this glory(i think its a compliment!), my phone rings.

Caller: HI AKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
me: hey soans!
Caller(now identified as my sister): wazzzzaaaaaaaa
*children! always so enthusiastic*
Me: ....... (social conversations)
Sonu: soooo.... what plans for V day da!
Me: *temporary reflection on lack of conjugal interests and general emptiness of life* no plan Sonu! this day is for stupid people who encourage mass purchase of nonsense from the Archie gallery. *ha! temporarily inflated*
Sonu: oh phuleeeez! your just sad you don't have a valentine *giggles*
Me: *knew i should not have left her in Bangalore* : oh! because u soooo have a valentine *catching up on the lingo*
Sonu: Duh! Of course i do.
*strike one*
Me: but but but but... ur in the 7Th grade!!!!!
Sonu: so? hes in 7Th grade too!
*yea that makes this union so holy*
Me: OK wait lemme get this straight! U have a boyfriend!? Is this the guy you once previously threatened into liking you??
Sonu: oh no no.. this is another guy, hes also getting me a gift for valentines.
*gasp*
Me: bleecchhh yea okay
Sonu: yeaa but i don't think this this is gonna work out.
*gasp*
Me: *im losing this battle* why sonu?
Sonu: well if the other guy were to ask me out.....
Me: *assuming she was referring to the one she previously threatened*: you will dump your present boyfriend??
Sonu: yeaa see i really wont have to do that, they are in different classes.. *exited giggles*
Me: *feeling faint*: I think we've had enough for one day honey, i will call u tomorrow.
Sonu: byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*Sigh*, Guess one can never be too ahead.

....and then i saw a tamil movie

After the weeks tiring ordeal of Internet hackers and annoying lecturers i finally sat down to watch a Tamil movie. Now this was a movie i had seen before in my childhood ( you know when i was decent and innocent) and nostalgia drove me to it once again... OK wait, why am i justifying my watching this movie. Anyway moving on...

Gentleman

(Act one)

Scene one: Some loser politician yakking on the mike. Sudden sound of some firing. Widespread panic. People protecting their "veshties" and what lies underneath. Chaos all around. Too much noise. *zoom in* hero dude's face covered in some black cloth (@ anti southie racists: it was in fact a black cloth and not his face, i checked).

Scene Two: Some lonely road. A lot of disguises and drama. our black cloth hero dude swindles 100 crore or something( in 500 rupee notes carried in one police jeep protected by constables and one "i have a body but its useless except for conjugal purposes" inspector.

Later that day they meet at the police headquarters where one politician (holding his lungi up so high his patterned inner wear is clearly visible) spits on the Chennai police (quite literally.. alas! the insult). Anti hero police guy resolves to catch this robin hood anti villain type guy.

Note:The distinction of hero and villain have not been made clear. Blasphemy for a Tamil movie.

Scene 3: *zoom in*. A board that reads "kichas appalam" is visible along with a dirty blue cloth wiping it. This is in fact the heroine's davani (read weird part of a half sari) which after the wiping she intentionally gets stuck on the hook of the board. One may think for hygiene purposes but actually for seducing the hero. Alas! while our hero jumps to retrieve it he closes his eyes. *ego demolisher*.

Scene 4: Various insights about the dacoity hero's parallel life as a papad maker and the heroines desperate attempt to seduce him.

Enters supporting actor in a female role read loser from Delhi who considers feeling up everyone from auto men to the hero part of the cults Delhi culture. Insignificant exit of role supporter chic after ample skin show and unsuccessful rape which is surprisingly not initiated by her. Hero also finally discovers "eroines" undying love (finally!) but rejects her petition(which ironically she presented in an applam).. awwwwwww!

Gentlemen(we still don't know who the title is referring to)

Act II

Scene 1: Location: Somewhere in Delhi, but actually shot in nugampakam after a glance of the gateway.

Side kick actress getting married. Ironically to the police man who is after our hero guy. After a lot of cat chase hero is discovered to be anti villain (or something like that). Heroine crushed that her super awesome crush is a robber type. Confronts him and threatens to burn herself(women!).

Scene 2(the flashback): Hero guy does get medical seat due to bureaucracy. Mum burns self, he becomes dacoit. Starts building educational institution which has everything from pre kg to diploma courses.

This scene brings out the originality in the story.

Scene 3: After some more cat chase hero brought to the court. Makes passionate speeches about the country's sad political state, nothing we have not already heard in a ton his other movies. Judge not impressed, sentences him to 6 years imprisonment (after all the efforts to catch him). lets the politician free.

Stud moment: He gets his lawyer to do paper work thilu mulu and somehow makes dacoity educational institution as a public trust.

Stud moment 2: Public spirited youth runs cycle over politician's car causing it to explode(side advertisement for the cycle). *zoom in*, heart of PS II, Head of politician and tears of hero.

Scene 4(the climax): Six Years Later

Super school is somehow complete. Red ribbons are cut. Hero finally gives up and accepts heroines "subtle" advances.

The End

Highlights: Ample opportunity to lust after the hotness of Tamil Nadu, action hero Arjun.

Runnaway Maid

Its always such darned trouble giving intro and making social conversation. Life and blogspot situations can be so annoyingly similar. I'm bothering with neither.

So here is a fairly interesting story i heard recently, courtesy my dear mother, (yea yea Ive moved on to gossip for the elderly) anyway so our maid came to work a couple of days back all frantic and panicky and said she wont be coming to work for a few days.

REACTIONS: mini dramatic heart attack type and immediate assignment of chores to any unfortunate soul around(OK it was not that bad but there was a lot of tension and drama!) and commencement of woe sharing session.

Anyway so what happened was that my maid's daughter ran away a few years back and got married but widowed shortly after, came back and was married off to her uncle(yea yea incest blah). Due to obligations placed by the whole new tech era on all sections of society she was also given a mobile phone. Of course we all know the evils of this little device(stop laughing pervs) and after a few years and a bunch of kids, she began an affair. Not any ordinary affair! This one was an SMS affair, with all the lingo mentioned in my previous post coupled with I'm sure a bunch of mushy kannada movie dialogues. (ah what i would not give to get hold of those)

Obviously she was not sneaky enough and was caught but using il bet some of the same dialogues and some sweet talk she convinced her husband against a divorce and all was well..... for sometime.

FEW DAYS LATER: The husband returns home one afternoon early from work and finds the SMS dude hiding in the bathroom (at this juncture i laughed until i got stern "you are so heartless" looks from my mom).

So now the entire family, extended relatives and well almost everyone in the community is collectively going for an "intervention" (i highly doubt they are very familiar with the concept of "hush hush" and "open secrets".)

THE END

(this is all i payed attention for actually)

I accept completely responsibility for the horrible narration, i am sure one of my aunts would have done better job. What i do wonder though is who the blame can be placed on in this situation( U gotta blame someone!) or more interesting who can the husband sue from the following:

1. His wife for being uhhhh "not virtuous"

2. The wife's mother for initiating this incest

3. The cellphone company for introducing cheap sms rates

4. (and this is my pick) The T.V serial she invariably picked up all her affair ideas from. (How many shows have we seen, especially in South India where the lover always always hides in the bathroom, tch women be innovative)

These TV shows are all supposed to be so unrealistic and dramatic(In your face public opinion).

General wonder"ation": Do people who do not know better, pick up these tips from the shows OR do the writers hear stories like i did, throw in a pious widow, red nail polished "villi", her sidekick villain, one America returned hero and make a mega serial on "Sun TV". SUPER IT!

PS: Did the egg come first or the chicken?

yes yum yes revolutions

I often wonder why the urge to blog always comes to me after midnight while i lie in my dark dingy room. Of course i will not further elaborate on this, in light of the new promise to self and society not to be racist, casteist or specifically mean.
Hence, moving on, i spent a particularly long time snooping on facebook today, it somehow always gets interesting after 12(again in light of my new promises this will not be further elaborated upon).
Well unfortunately i did not come across anything of gossip value. So there Ive just lost about half my readers! tch! Anyway what i did come across was a set of incomprehensible syllables which can only be described as the living proof of the conquest of "yes yum yes" aka sms lingo.
Now don't judge me so soon, i am not the girl who corrects you when you pronounce "alarm" as "alaraaam", i am in fact who for the considerable amount of time pronounced it as "alaaraam" *note how i subly add the 'i am only human' touch to this post bringing in some modesty, awesome me*
Also i am not the girl who will judge you if "u type like dis". In fact i am the understanding kindred soul possing a human touch embodying perfection.(somehow that sounded so much better in my head). har har 'nuff about me already.
PS: I do warn readers to always check their spellings though, again not because i intellectually judge on that but because about 10 mins back i typed bloobspot instead of blogspot and was lead to a homosexual pron site. Very disturbing indeed.
Again, moving on, as mentioned above sms lingo is one of the great inventions of the 20Th century. Saves time and space and money. Then again like all other great inventions of the 20Th century, this has been grossly misused.
Exhibits:
1. The excess usage of the word "z" in practically irrational places.
eg. "howzzzzzzz it going"? exactly how it helps the writer beats me but my socially active peers tell me it adds to something called the "cool value"
2. Substitute of the word "kwel" in place of "cool": this of course is the work of a celebrated (secretly) scholar who has taken it upon himself to alter the very structure of a word to make it socially acceptable among the youth. bravo! no critique comments on this one, it speaks for itself.
It should be noted that the followers of this noted scholar have done their own field of research and made the following contributions;
a. "hawwwwwt" in place of "hot"
b. "ossum" in place of "awesome"
c. "zesssky" in place of sexy (this is of course my favorite and the most awesome reconstruction)
d. "gawd" in place of god (as a peaceful agnostic i again refrain from comment)

The area we are about to enter right now is murky, gory and strangely disturbing hence people with a weak heart and strong views on grammar and kindly requested to revert away from this page and go to http://pogo.tv/ for further entertainment.
"It was another normal sultry night as i lay pursuing my interest and passion as a snooper when i accidentally stumbled upon a string of words. My mind was reeling.I went blank.*eerie background music* Then i recovered, read it again and fainted. *more eerie background music* This cycle continued for half an hour until i mustered up the courage to decipher this strange script before me. Of course it was then i realised. It was over, the battle was lost, all was gone, he has succeeded, he has erased the noble work of our forefathers, he has made the dictionary an object of deadly sin, he that bloody bloody "yes yum yes", evil wizard of the west. *dramatic drumbeat*
Probably the only surviving member of this incident i now give to you the murderous words on the script, translated into decipherable language. *deep breath* err goes:
1. "buh' daaai" : birthday
2. "b'loh" : Bangalore
3. "aiite" : alright
4. "fo" : for
5. "ova" : over (yes yes i confused it with the biological term too)
6. "rie" : right
7. "boo" : this is not even a modified word, its some sort of term of endearment invented from the famous usher song.. *puke*

And yet another blog post has come to and end. A particularly painful one at that.
As usual death threats and comments on general sluttiness is welcome. Except people a little more on the blog and little less on various other personal ventures.
"cya"
*what? never seen a hypocrite before"?

...tell jesus the bitch is back

Dear Reader,

1. Kindly note my cool title adapted from gossip girl

2. Kindly note my renewed interest in blogging after months suddenly suddenly at 2.15 in the morning

3. I have ligament tear(I'm being dramatic, my leg hurts), please suggest remedy(preferably homemade south Indian)

4. I'm not actually the bitch and not entirely back, just swalpa jobless at the moment

5. The following is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person thing or dog, living or otherwise is purely coincidental.

There is finally some public issue which i feel like writing about, phew!

OK its not thaaaat public but not scandalously personal either (yaay me!)

i wish i can elaborate on how i came to think of this particular topic and sound super smart but my leg hurts :(
so getting to the point:
Super smart persons awesome question one:
"why is leching such a bad thing"

Super smart persons awesome question two
"why is it especially taboo among women"

Food for thought:
Commentor: "My god you are gifted with such intelligence"
Commentee(as if thats a word): swells with pride;

Commentor: "my god you have such a nice ass"

Commentee(even if it was, as if it will be spelt like this, tch bad spellings shreya) : Cries, goes to Amma(no no not Jayalaitha) and Appa and registers police complaint.

Forgive my obviously inappropriate comparison but i do not look for this degree of progression, all i ask is, why are women so offended when they are leched at? Its a compliment to an asset after all, just like the brain or face, eyes etc. how come everything neck below is taboo? I don't get the reasoning, cuss my un evolved self.

Then there is the concept that only men can and will lech. What nonsense! Women like leching too. Why is a female lech seen with such contempt? society society thou art a cruel bitch!

Now that we have established that leching is not bad and before i get "over the top" dirty remarks:

Comment on public interest: lech away dear men and women, but recognize the thin line between leching and doing "porkiness" otherwise called being offensive i.e everything is good only in moderation (except butterchicken and corner house ice cream).

Hence (Such a subtle way to sum up):

1. One must limit leching habits to another that does not mind it.

2. "Another" must widen horizon and be more open to being leched at.

3. If another does'nt want to, then "one" must not force it on "another "and direct attention else ware.

4. One must keeps ones hand to ones self at all times, unless given permission to otherwise.

5. One must always wash hands before eating. (general advice)

PS: note how the above is gender neutral making me an awesome feminist.. (again yaay me!)

Apologies for profound joblessness and promise that the bitch shall be properly back.. shortly.. after my leg stops hurting :(

As usual death threats and serious questioning on blogger's moral character and general sluttiness is welcome.

Also if u like the concept of female leching, join the female lech club:

office: nlu arc

registration on request

attendance necessary everyday after 9 P.M

maybe i should change the blog name to "the lech is back"
ehhhh and btw i only voice favorable lech opinions. Otherwise I'm innocent iyer girl who did not even know the spelling of lech until blogspot "spell check" told me.. *innocent eyelash flutter*
and my leg still hurts :(

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude is pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. Philosopher and sociologist Theodor Adorno defined schadenfreude as “largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another which is cognized as trivial and/or appropriate Schadenfreude.(CCP from wikipedia :) )
This is quite an interesting concept i came across when i was reading my super deep books(i can sense you laughing.. fine i flicked it from boston legal). anyway so food for thought.. dont we all want to see that mean bitch from college go down.. that bitch who makes fun of everyone in her blog.. that "bloody hypocrite" who cant take criticism against herself.. tch tch wouldn it be the best thing in the world if something so evil happened to her..
Schadenfreude.. its a wonderful feeling Ive heard.. and why wouldnt it be.. dont we all want to see what can break a person.. watch them suffer and "anonymously" take pleasure in it..
And everyone of us has done it.. why so have i.. its just a thing too dark to really say out loud.. "hey i take pleasure in ur suffering" but honestly we ask for it.. i mean when you can be fake nice to everyone why take the trouble to be honest.. (im going to get a lot of "you hypocrite" comments right now)
So my point basically is.. we all make mistakes.. some bigger than the other which pretty much induces feeling of Schadenfreude towards you.. rule of life.. we just gotta accept it and move on.. and the actual point im trying to make here is that while im supposed to be studying.. i voice random thoughts which i myself wont be reading after this.. i dont know how you good people get the strength to tolerate the blog and make all the effort to make comments.. (some more spiteful than the other)..
Ahh well Schadenfreude all the way... :)